Reality

The clouds don't look real tonight. As the storm rolls by they look more like an impressionists rendition of clouds than the real thing. It's the second time tonight I've been in awe of the atmosphere tonight. Sitting in my car I gazed off into the west to see the beginning of the sunset framed by two tall buildings. For a moment a beautiful dichotomy existed between the natural glow of the setting sun and the man-made depth of the brick buildings. Take a moment to thank God, or whichever deity you believe in, for the glory all around you every day. We don't always see it; we see "reality" instead. The dirt and the grime rising off the pavement. Instead, cast your eyes toward the clouds and admire the artwork.

C

I'm working on being better. On worrying less and enjoying life more. On being more open and tolerant of others. There are some things in life I cannot control and I need to learn to accept that - it's the little things that drive me nuts though. The things that most people would ignore, or overlook, that I can't seem to get out of my head.

Why did that happen? Why is that there? What is he thinking? Why isn't he thinking?

Well really, they're little big things. The action itself isn't so important, but it's the consequences that matter. People talk about how head-strong I am. How I'm a leader and a bully and a bitch. Usually I agree. Typically I'm not afraid to say what I need to say to get what needs to be done, done. But not in these instances. No, now I cower. I'm afraid. I'm worried to hurt feelings when it's my feelings that are being hurt. That thick-skin that everyone keeps talking about is a myth. A figment of their imagination.

I'm not sure this is going to work out as planned. I'm afraid it's going to be much, much worse. I'm worrying.

Decisions

Life is full of decisions: Should I wear the black or the blue pants? What do I want to have for dinner? Which tv show am I going to watch tonight? What do I want to do with the rest of my life?

I guess that's why life has seemed so incredibly impossible at times. I'm horrible at making decisions; and just about the time I think I have my mind made up, something comes along that makes me second guess it all.

When I decided to go to college I picked my last choice school because I couldn't decide which of the other ones I wanted to go to. Granted I think this was one of the best decisions of my life and if I had to do it all over again I would still choose to be a Badger. When I decided to study pharmacy and went through the agonizing process of applying I secretly wished I would get denied so I would have to choose a different career, simply because I wasn't entirely sure pharmacy was what I wanted to do. And yet, I don't think I could be happier with my chosen career path. Except that I'm not sure what that career path is just yet. Until this Monday I had it all figured out: I was going to go out west and complete 1-2 years in a hospital residency then come back to WI and work at a hospital/outpatient clinic in the Madison area. It was a perfect plan... or so I thought. Then I started Block 2 and my precious plans were shattered. You'd think I'm about to tell you that I failed out, or that I'm in a hospital and have unfortunately discovered that I actually hate hospital pharmacy. Alas, that is not the case. In fact I love my rotation site. I couldn't be happier. The personnel are an amazingly laid-back group of some of the coolest pharmacists I have ever met. The building and work space are gorgeous. The technology available is up-to-date and easy to use. The other problem: it's not a hospital, it's not a clinic, it's not even a pharmacy at all. I'm at a Pharmacy Benefits Manager and I love it.

Watch as my plans fly right out the window. What do I do now?

Solitude

I should be better at this. I have plenty of experience. I even tout that I prefer it; claiming that at times I could be described as a hermit.

So why am I suddenly so desperately lonely?

I've lived by myself before and loved it. Coming and going as I please. Knowing that everything is where I want it to be because there's no one else to mess it up. Never having to worry about fighting with my roommate or being unable to sleep because he/she is too loud, too crazy, too annoying.

I've only been here 4 days and I'm craving that "roomie" companionship. Maybe it's because of who my roommate is this time. Maybe it's because I had high expectations for the move back and now things are falling short. Either way, I want my roommate back. Sure I have other friends and yes I've been making plans and spending time with them. But at the end of the day it can be so depressing to come home alone. The dynamics are different too. The relationship I have with my roommate is on an entirely different plane than the relationships I have with other friends. It's almost more intimate. You share your interests, your hobbies, your stories, your ups and downs with your friends. With a roommate you share your space. A roommate has to be someone you can trust with some of your deepest, darkest secrets. You're sharing your home with this person and you don't do that with just anyone.

My time alone will end shortly. I wonder if I'll feel the opposite when my roommate returns. Will I feel stifled, suffocated, overwhelmed? What about the happy medium? Is it something you can ever actually achieve? I guess that's a whole other issue to mull over. For now I'll remain lonely, although maybe not entirely alone. I'm living with myself, that's some sort of company... isn't it?

An Introduction

There are many reasons why people choose to blog. Some like to share their thoughts and opinion with the world, often wishing to persuade others to their own way of thinking. Some just like the freedom and anonymity afforded by the veil of the Internet and feel safe "posting their mind" as opposed to speaking it. Then there are those people like me who have a fairly plain and simple motive to creating a blog: I want to be able to keep in touch with family and friends and let them know what's going on in my life. I know, it's not the most interesting of reasons to write, but it's a reason nonetheless. Besides, I can still choose to write my thoughts and opinions, to attempt to sway your thinking, and to hide safely behind the veil and speak my mind.

The decision to write was mine to make, the decision to read is left up to the audience...