Reality

The clouds don't look real tonight. As the storm rolls by they look more like an impressionists rendition of clouds than the real thing. It's the second time tonight I've been in awe of the atmosphere tonight. Sitting in my car I gazed off into the west to see the beginning of the sunset framed by two tall buildings. For a moment a beautiful dichotomy existed between the natural glow of the setting sun and the man-made depth of the brick buildings. Take a moment to thank God, or whichever deity you believe in, for the glory all around you every day. We don't always see it; we see "reality" instead. The dirt and the grime rising off the pavement. Instead, cast your eyes toward the clouds and admire the artwork.

C

I'm working on being better. On worrying less and enjoying life more. On being more open and tolerant of others. There are some things in life I cannot control and I need to learn to accept that - it's the little things that drive me nuts though. The things that most people would ignore, or overlook, that I can't seem to get out of my head.

Why did that happen? Why is that there? What is he thinking? Why isn't he thinking?

Well really, they're little big things. The action itself isn't so important, but it's the consequences that matter. People talk about how head-strong I am. How I'm a leader and a bully and a bitch. Usually I agree. Typically I'm not afraid to say what I need to say to get what needs to be done, done. But not in these instances. No, now I cower. I'm afraid. I'm worried to hurt feelings when it's my feelings that are being hurt. That thick-skin that everyone keeps talking about is a myth. A figment of their imagination.

I'm not sure this is going to work out as planned. I'm afraid it's going to be much, much worse. I'm worrying.

Decisions

Life is full of decisions: Should I wear the black or the blue pants? What do I want to have for dinner? Which tv show am I going to watch tonight? What do I want to do with the rest of my life?

I guess that's why life has seemed so incredibly impossible at times. I'm horrible at making decisions; and just about the time I think I have my mind made up, something comes along that makes me second guess it all.

When I decided to go to college I picked my last choice school because I couldn't decide which of the other ones I wanted to go to. Granted I think this was one of the best decisions of my life and if I had to do it all over again I would still choose to be a Badger. When I decided to study pharmacy and went through the agonizing process of applying I secretly wished I would get denied so I would have to choose a different career, simply because I wasn't entirely sure pharmacy was what I wanted to do. And yet, I don't think I could be happier with my chosen career path. Except that I'm not sure what that career path is just yet. Until this Monday I had it all figured out: I was going to go out west and complete 1-2 years in a hospital residency then come back to WI and work at a hospital/outpatient clinic in the Madison area. It was a perfect plan... or so I thought. Then I started Block 2 and my precious plans were shattered. You'd think I'm about to tell you that I failed out, or that I'm in a hospital and have unfortunately discovered that I actually hate hospital pharmacy. Alas, that is not the case. In fact I love my rotation site. I couldn't be happier. The personnel are an amazingly laid-back group of some of the coolest pharmacists I have ever met. The building and work space are gorgeous. The technology available is up-to-date and easy to use. The other problem: it's not a hospital, it's not a clinic, it's not even a pharmacy at all. I'm at a Pharmacy Benefits Manager and I love it.

Watch as my plans fly right out the window. What do I do now?